Favorite Cheesey joke?

[Shadow277]

Let's hear those Dad jokes.
No wine please.

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[dead_inside]

Today my wife told our marriage counselor that she’s upset because I never buy her flowers.

So I explained, “I didn’t know she sold them!”

 

[Shadow277]

An athiest, priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bar tender asks them when does life begin?
The atheist claims when the baby is born.
The priest said it begins with conception.
The rabbi replied, life begins when the kids are out of the house and the dog is dead.

 

[Locksmith]

wife

/wif/

noun

1. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

 

[dpAtlanta]

What did one hanging boob say to the other hanging boob?

If we keep hanging around like this, people are going to think we are nuts!

___________________________________________

What did the fish say we he swam into the concrete wall?

Dam…!

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What do you call children born in a whore-house?

Brothel Sprouts…!

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, he’s not coming anyway…!

 

[Justpassingas]

What do you call a fish with two knees???

A two-knee fish....groan

 

[Vlad Soare]

A man and his wife are in front of the judge, fighting for the custody of their child. The woman starts with the usual theory: he's my flesh and blood, I've been carrying him inside me for nine months, I've given birth in pain, blah blah blah...
The judge says to the man: "well, she's got a point. Can you give me a better argument in your favour?"
"Your honour, imagine it's summer. It's hot. You're walking down the street, and you're hot and thirsty. You find a vending machine. You insert a coin, and the machine gives you a bottle of Coke. Does that bottle belong to you, or to the machine?"

 

[Vlad Soare]

A man is driving when he suddenly sees the strobes of a police car in his rear view mirror. He accelerates harder and harder, but to no avail. The policeman keeps up with him no matter what he does. So in the end he has no choice but to give up and pull over.
The officer says: "we both know what you did and what your penalty should be. But it's late. It's been a long day. I want to go home. The last thing I want is to spend my next two hours writing a report. So, if you can give me a good excuse for what you did, I will let you go".
"You know, my wife left me last week. She ran away with a cop. When I saw your car in the mirror, following me, I thought it was him, trying to bring her back".

 

[The Demon]

Man walks into a bar and sits down. Next to him their is a jar full of money with a note, " Make the horse laugh and you get all of the money in the jar." So the man heads for the horse in the empty room of the bar. The man whispers in the horses ear and the horse laughs.
Next night the man comes back. Same horse is standing in the corner. Same jar except with a new note, "Make the horse cry and win all the cash in the jar. cost 15$" So the man walks up the horse and them closes the door. After about 5 seconds he comes out of the empty room and the horse crying. He takes the money then leaves. Comes back the next night. Bartender working all three nights finally asks the guy "How did you make the horse laugh?" Guy says, "Told em' my penis was bigger then his." Bartender says, "Oh well that is pretty funny. Well them how did you make em cry?" Guy says, " I showed em."

 

[lacanteen]

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because it’d be a foot!

 

[lacanteen]

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.
"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.
"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"
"That sound interesting," says George. "I'm willing to try it."
A month later, they meet at the gym again. During their shower, George shows Ted that his penis has actually shrunk and is now two inches long.
"I don't understand," he says. "I've been very careful to masturbate once every day, and I even started doing it twice on Tuesdays and thrice on Thursdays."
"Did you use butter like I told you?"
"Actually, I was out of butter when you told me your method, so I used Crisco instead. I liked it so much I used it as a lubricant ever since."
Ted shakes his head. "You idiot. Crisco is shortening."

 

[lacanteen]

 

[lacanteen]

Whenever you see a weeping willow tree, you're looking at mourning wood.

 

[The Demon]

Two men are knocking back beers in a bar on the ninetieth floor of the Empire State building.
“You know, there’s a slipstream around the seventieth floor,” says one, opening a window, “and if you jump out here, it’ll suck you back in at the fiftieth floor.”

“Ah, c’mon,” says the second, more than a little drunk.
“No, really” says the first. “I’ll show you.” So he jumps out the window, comes in through a fiftieth-floor window, takes the elevator up, and appears triumphantly back in the bar.
“Hey, I’m going to try that,” says the second guy. He jumps out the window, falls ninety floors, and is killed instantly.
“Hey,” says the bartender, looking hard at the first man, “you can be a real bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.”

 

[Chef jpd]

What is brown and sticky?


A stick...........

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