samd1351
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- Joined
- Sep 17, 2018
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- Location
- Olathe, KS
- First Name
- Sam
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- 2017 Mustang GT, 1999 Ranger
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Completely random stories in no particular order. All true and can be verified.
Chapter One.
Pro Deck buildings tips by Sam.
1. Tools. No tool shall be of a dark blue, black or gray color. All tools will be neon yellow or chartreuse even pink is okay. Brightly colored tools are much easier to find after you've gotten pissed and threw the hammer across the yard because the 6 x 6 posts you thought were good, were actually rotted most of the way through. You need to be able to find the brightly colored tool quickly, to avoid playing Marco f%&king Polo with your neighbor yelling warmer, warmer, nope, now you're getting colder while drinking a beer as you stagger around the yard with your head about to explode.
2. Hours of operation. All deck building work shall start PROMPTLY at 7:30 a.m. and cease at 6 p.m. Monday through Friday only. This rule specifically created to avoid the neighbor in rule no. 1. There is no need to hear your neighbor shout over "The deck's looking good Sam!" "Yeah, I'm just getting started with the demo, hopefully I'll have it farther along by the end of the week". "It's looking better already!" Fucker. Although, this rule will virtually never be followed if you have "help". See rule nos. 3 and 7.
3. Trips to the lumber / hardware store. All trips to the hardware and lumber store shall be made by the primary deck builder, and only the primary deck builder. If you have followed rule no. 2, you have taken time off of work to build this damn deck. The best time to work is early in the morning, when it's coolest, and the saw has yet to make a mistake. You want to avoid bringing anyone with you who will do the following: a) while picking up 39 2x6x16s & 3 2x10x12s at the lumber yard say" Don't get that one. The guy that was in front of us picked that one up and put it back, it must be a bad board." b) "I'll go with you" and once you leave the house, "Can we stop at the grocery store, we need dog food (for dogs that you can't stand because.... they pee on the deck!), and I need to drop off a quilt. And we need to stop at Brown Bag Liquors, and...."
4. Construction site visitors are not allowed. No one shall be permitted to see / view / inspect / comment / offer suggestions / or otherwise speak to the primary deck builder during construction. This rule specifically applies to the father-in-law. Yes, I'm sure if you had your tractor here you just rip the stairs off as one piece. But we're not on a farm, are we. We are in a residential neighborhood. And we have a fenced yard. And yes, I've considered other types of materials, tools, supplies and beer. I've decided how I want to rebuild the deck, and I like Miller Lite amd don't really care if you do or not. You can have as many of beers as like on this almost 100 degree day, just don't bitch about it!
5. Revisions and change orders. All revisions and change orders shall be submitted in a TIMELY manor for review. There shall not be any "Honey wait. What if we...." after the first swing of the hammer. You had ample time to comment. The only changes from here on out are due to unforeseen circumstances (such as the need to buy additional tools, using too big of a hammer and now you have to fix something else).
6. Lowes vs Home Depot vs Menards. Lowes is for women looking to hang pictures and plant gardens. Stay away from Lowes. It will just cost you more time, as you'll end up at Home Depot or Menards anyway, and add another project of planting more flowers, yea!! Not. Home Depot is good, except that all the husbands just left Lowes and are now at Home Depot. Which means that there won't be any lumber left, good luck finding deck screws, and, since you failed to follow rule no. 3, you'll be stopping at Target next store for a new toaster. Menards is not bad, except that they can't decide it they want to be Home Depot or Walmart. I'm here to buy lumber and saws and other manly shit, I don't socks, dog food, a case of Monster, peanut butter filled pretzel things and a book on how to raise chickens. And, as an added bonus, the 11% off rebate is bullshit. First, it's not an actual rebate. You get a gift Menards gift card for the 11%. So yo have to spend it in their store. Which is bullshit. Plus, half the time, you'll forget to MAIL IN the rebate form. They do this on purpose because they know you'll forget because by the time you get home and actually get to work on the project, it'll be 95 degrees out and you don't give a rats ass about anything other that getting back to work on the damn deck. I'll sell you my 11% rebate for 5% cash. Any takers.
7. Helpers. There are no helpers, assistants, co-workers or team members. There is only you. While loading the 25th of 39 2x6x16s onto the trailer, your father-in-law telling you to "watch out" so you don't run into him with the board is not help. Neither is "help" when both your 20-something boys are "helping" by standing on the deck launching comments back and forth about who's cut with the jig saw was better, no I don't want to see "deez nuts", and if I swear if I hear one more joke about my wood not being straight I swear I'm going to kill someone.
8. Power tools. Power tools are manly. They are for men, and men only. Not boys, not your wife. And they are not to be trifled with. First, power saws. Power saws work best between the hours of 7:30 a.m. and about 3 p.m.. Power saws are completely useless after 4 p.m. They start making all kinds of mistakes. Either their cuts are too short, which now means a 37th trip to Home Depot (see rule 6) or the angle is off. Again. For some unknown reason, the power saw union has gods all quit at two and the saws go crazy. Hamer drivers are the shit. You absolutely must have one of these to get the job done. Borrow one. Steal one from Home Depot. It's not like you won't be back to buy a bunch of other shit you may or may not need but think you do. Whatever, just get one. Just make sure you buy 42 of the T-20 bits, as each one is good for about 18 deck screws. Cordless drills are a good fill-in when you have to give back the hammer driver. But be warned, just like the power saws, their productivity drops off as the day wears on. I know, you're making progress, the deck is finally looking good. Your down on your hands and knees putting in one of the bottom deck rails. You're holding the drill gangster style, like you're Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction. You lean over the edge to drive in the screw and hit the trigger. And that freshly charger 20 volt battery sends a full load of power to the bit. And you don't have the proper grip. And all that torque whips the battery end of the drill right into your forehead. You'll want to let loose of string of words to make even the hardiest of sailors blush, but your Italian Catholic mother is on the deck, so you have to hold that in check and your two aforementioned sons mock you ruthlessly. All the while, your wife just looks at you like you're an idiot.
9. Cost overruns. First, there are no cost overruns. The deck will cost what the deck will cost. Don't worry about the catch can you were going to order, or the replacement spoiler you wanted. The deck is by far more important. Besides, you've been so busy working on the deck, takinging care of your wife and her family during a time of loss (mother-in-law passed away after a long battle with dementia), helping your mom move out of her rental house and into another one (and temporarily into your house), and oh yeah, working the job that pays the bills, you haven't even seen your beloved 'stang in weeks. Additional parts are frivolous. No matter what you budget, you cannot possibly calculate the cost of wasted boards, mid-course corrections due to multiple "ideas" by those who shall remain nameless, and 187 trips to Home Depot / Menards / and Ace (aka True Value, or is it the other way around). Just write the check, swipe the card and be happy you're almost done.
10. Done! Ha. You wish you were done. You forgot the trim around the joists. Disposal of the post that's still stuck in the top half of the concrete base that broke off when you hit it with the EBFH. Accessories! Lighting, outdoor tv, and of course, all new deck furniture. Can't miss that opportunity. And now you need a new load of river rock to cover up the thinning layer of rock that was under the deck that got painted Rustoleum Flat Black because "everyone" decided the galvanised wire panels would look better black. And on it goes. Rest in peace.
So far, this pretty much sums my deck project.
Chapter One.
Pro Deck buildings tips by Sam.
1. Tools. No tool shall be of a dark blue, black or gray color. All tools will be neon yellow or chartreuse even pink is okay. Brightly colored tools are much easier to find after you've gotten pissed and threw the hammer across the yard because the 6 x 6 posts you thought were good, were actually rotted most of the way through. You need to be able to find the brightly colored tool quickly, to avoid playing Marco f%&king Polo with your neighbor yelling warmer, warmer, nope, now you're getting colder while drinking a beer as you stagger around the yard with your head about to explode.
2. Hours of operation. All deck building work shall start PROMPTLY at 7:30 a.m. and cease at 6 p.m. Monday through Friday only. This rule specifically created to avoid the neighbor in rule no. 1. There is no need to hear your neighbor shout over "The deck's looking good Sam!" "Yeah, I'm just getting started with the demo, hopefully I'll have it farther along by the end of the week". "It's looking better already!" Fucker. Although, this rule will virtually never be followed if you have "help". See rule nos. 3 and 7.
3. Trips to the lumber / hardware store. All trips to the hardware and lumber store shall be made by the primary deck builder, and only the primary deck builder. If you have followed rule no. 2, you have taken time off of work to build this damn deck. The best time to work is early in the morning, when it's coolest, and the saw has yet to make a mistake. You want to avoid bringing anyone with you who will do the following: a) while picking up 39 2x6x16s & 3 2x10x12s at the lumber yard say" Don't get that one. The guy that was in front of us picked that one up and put it back, it must be a bad board." b) "I'll go with you" and once you leave the house, "Can we stop at the grocery store, we need dog food (for dogs that you can't stand because.... they pee on the deck!), and I need to drop off a quilt. And we need to stop at Brown Bag Liquors, and...."
4. Construction site visitors are not allowed. No one shall be permitted to see / view / inspect / comment / offer suggestions / or otherwise speak to the primary deck builder during construction. This rule specifically applies to the father-in-law. Yes, I'm sure if you had your tractor here you just rip the stairs off as one piece. But we're not on a farm, are we. We are in a residential neighborhood. And we have a fenced yard. And yes, I've considered other types of materials, tools, supplies and beer. I've decided how I want to rebuild the deck, and I like Miller Lite amd don't really care if you do or not. You can have as many of beers as like on this almost 100 degree day, just don't bitch about it!
5. Revisions and change orders. All revisions and change orders shall be submitted in a TIMELY manor for review. There shall not be any "Honey wait. What if we...." after the first swing of the hammer. You had ample time to comment. The only changes from here on out are due to unforeseen circumstances (such as the need to buy additional tools, using too big of a hammer and now you have to fix something else).
6. Lowes vs Home Depot vs Menards. Lowes is for women looking to hang pictures and plant gardens. Stay away from Lowes. It will just cost you more time, as you'll end up at Home Depot or Menards anyway, and add another project of planting more flowers, yea!! Not. Home Depot is good, except that all the husbands just left Lowes and are now at Home Depot. Which means that there won't be any lumber left, good luck finding deck screws, and, since you failed to follow rule no. 3, you'll be stopping at Target next store for a new toaster. Menards is not bad, except that they can't decide it they want to be Home Depot or Walmart. I'm here to buy lumber and saws and other manly shit, I don't socks, dog food, a case of Monster, peanut butter filled pretzel things and a book on how to raise chickens. And, as an added bonus, the 11% off rebate is bullshit. First, it's not an actual rebate. You get a gift Menards gift card for the 11%. So yo have to spend it in their store. Which is bullshit. Plus, half the time, you'll forget to MAIL IN the rebate form. They do this on purpose because they know you'll forget because by the time you get home and actually get to work on the project, it'll be 95 degrees out and you don't give a rats ass about anything other that getting back to work on the damn deck. I'll sell you my 11% rebate for 5% cash. Any takers.
7. Helpers. There are no helpers, assistants, co-workers or team members. There is only you. While loading the 25th of 39 2x6x16s onto the trailer, your father-in-law telling you to "watch out" so you don't run into him with the board is not help. Neither is "help" when both your 20-something boys are "helping" by standing on the deck launching comments back and forth about who's cut with the jig saw was better, no I don't want to see "deez nuts", and if I swear if I hear one more joke about my wood not being straight I swear I'm going to kill someone.
8. Power tools. Power tools are manly. They are for men, and men only. Not boys, not your wife. And they are not to be trifled with. First, power saws. Power saws work best between the hours of 7:30 a.m. and about 3 p.m.. Power saws are completely useless after 4 p.m. They start making all kinds of mistakes. Either their cuts are too short, which now means a 37th trip to Home Depot (see rule 6) or the angle is off. Again. For some unknown reason, the power saw union has gods all quit at two and the saws go crazy. Hamer drivers are the shit. You absolutely must have one of these to get the job done. Borrow one. Steal one from Home Depot. It's not like you won't be back to buy a bunch of other shit you may or may not need but think you do. Whatever, just get one. Just make sure you buy 42 of the T-20 bits, as each one is good for about 18 deck screws. Cordless drills are a good fill-in when you have to give back the hammer driver. But be warned, just like the power saws, their productivity drops off as the day wears on. I know, you're making progress, the deck is finally looking good. Your down on your hands and knees putting in one of the bottom deck rails. You're holding the drill gangster style, like you're Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction. You lean over the edge to drive in the screw and hit the trigger. And that freshly charger 20 volt battery sends a full load of power to the bit. And you don't have the proper grip. And all that torque whips the battery end of the drill right into your forehead. You'll want to let loose of string of words to make even the hardiest of sailors blush, but your Italian Catholic mother is on the deck, so you have to hold that in check and your two aforementioned sons mock you ruthlessly. All the while, your wife just looks at you like you're an idiot.
9. Cost overruns. First, there are no cost overruns. The deck will cost what the deck will cost. Don't worry about the catch can you were going to order, or the replacement spoiler you wanted. The deck is by far more important. Besides, you've been so busy working on the deck, takinging care of your wife and her family during a time of loss (mother-in-law passed away after a long battle with dementia), helping your mom move out of her rental house and into another one (and temporarily into your house), and oh yeah, working the job that pays the bills, you haven't even seen your beloved 'stang in weeks. Additional parts are frivolous. No matter what you budget, you cannot possibly calculate the cost of wasted boards, mid-course corrections due to multiple "ideas" by those who shall remain nameless, and 187 trips to Home Depot / Menards / and Ace (aka True Value, or is it the other way around). Just write the check, swipe the card and be happy you're almost done.
10. Done! Ha. You wish you were done. You forgot the trim around the joists. Disposal of the post that's still stuck in the top half of the concrete base that broke off when you hit it with the EBFH. Accessories! Lighting, outdoor tv, and of course, all new deck furniture. Can't miss that opportunity. And now you need a new load of river rock to cover up the thinning layer of rock that was under the deck that got painted Rustoleum Flat Black because "everyone" decided the galvanised wire panels would look better black. And on it goes. Rest in peace.
So far, this pretty much sums my deck project.
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