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The comedy that is my life. Chapter 4. Hello officer.

samd1351

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We built our house 18 years ago. We were one of the last three houses to go up on the end of the cul-de-sac. There were not many kids on our block. A few years after we move in, our boys were probably 10 and 12 (the 12 yr old being the smart ass). The boys had made numerous friends in the neighborhood. Our house was a common meeting place for the boys, especially during the summers. My wife worked for the school district, so she was off during the summer and the kids would gravitate to our house for lunch, snacks and general shenanigans.

As luck would have it, the house across the street from ours sold to an older (mid 60s) couple. They were an odd couple, but seemed like okay people. Now by this time, there were a few other kids on the block. And kids are kids. They’re out playing kickball or soccer or football and the ball always ends up in someone’s yard. Well, this new couple didn’t like the kids playing their yard. At all. Even if it was just to retrieve a stray ball. She would come out and fuss at the kids to the point where they didn’t want to play out front for fear of having to deal with them. They accused my boys of riding their bikes in the driveway. I tried to explain to them that we only have one bike, with a flat tire, so I know it wasn’t my kids that were in their driveway. She didn’t believe me. She said she saw them ride out of my driveway (which has a nice slope to it) and into hers. I said, I’m sure some kids did, just not mine. Whatever. Meanwhile, my wife is getting more and more pissed at these people for making the kids afraid to go out front to play. The last straw was when the old man confronted my 12 year old. He started hollering at him so I went over and sent my boy in the house. I told my neighbor that if he has a problem to come get me or to call the police. Either way was fine with me, but he damned well better leave my boys alone.

Fast forward about 3 or 4 weeks. The boys are downstairs playing video games and I’m in the kitchen when I hear the doorbell. I open the front door, and lo and behold, there’s a police office. Now, my previous conversation with my neighbor is nowhere in my mind. I’ve completely forgotten about it. He starts in with I’m officer so and so with the community outreach program. “Great! How are you? Come on in. What can I do for you?” “Well, it seems like we have a problem with kids walking through the neighbor’s yard” And then it hit me. The fu%#er called the police. Fine. If this is how it’s going to be, game on mofo.

Now, the “Community Outreach” officer I think was the biggest officer the has. He had to be 6’-4” or 6’-5” and at least 250-275 lbs. All decked out in the latest tacti-cool gear. I said “Let me explain. Boys! Get up here.” I had them sit on the step so that they could hear what was going on. “The boys start out about four or five blocks to the south of here. And one starts walking this way. He picks up another boy, and by the time they get here, there’s four or five of them. My wife is usually home, so they stop here and fed and Gatorade-ed up and head to the next block. I have asked them to NOT walk in the neighbor’s yard. But they’re 12 year old boys. I’ve seen them walk with one foot in his yard and one in the other (straddling the property line), I’ve seen them walk in the other neighbor’s yard, who by the way is completely fine with it, and push each other into his yard. It’s not JUST my kid walking through there. There’s usually 5 or 6 of them, but since I live right across the street, he blames my kids for all of it. Now, did my older boy here say something he probably shouldn't have, probably. He did get his mother's mouth. But I got fed up with him yelling at the boys, and told him to either come see me, or call you. And here you are." "Yes, here I am." At this point he puffs himself up. Wrong move buddy. " Now, if the boys are walking through his yard, they're trespassing. And they can go to court." "Then let's go to court. This isn't my first rodeo. Bit we better be going to the video tope, or you need to taking shoe prints from the lawn or analyzing the dna from the sweat in the grass, because unless you can prove it's MY kids in his yard, I don't want hear frim HIM, or from YOU again. Boys, are you paying attention? DON'T walk through his yard again." I looked back to the officer, opened tje front door and said "You can go now."

When my wife came home, I told her what happened. When I told her that I said my son "got his mother's mouth" her jaw hit the floor. "You said that the police officer?!" "You mean Community Outreach Officer Rambo, yeah. Am I wrong?" "Well, no, but still." I can see the gears turning in her head and the steam building. She bolts out to the garage, and comes back into the kitchen 30 seconds later carrying a big "SURVEY PARTY" sign I bought at a yard sale ( I'm a land surveyor and most signs you see now say survey crew ahead. Found one that said survey party amd had to have it.). She takes the sign, lays it on the counter, and tapes sheets of paper to the back. Grabs one of my fat survey markers and writes " U R NUTS" on the papers, takes the sign out front amd stands it up facing their house acress the street. I think it stayed there for two days before I took it down.

Ah, the joys.
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Shifting_Gears

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Shoe prints from the lawn... lol. Sounds like he realized how silly is presence was when you broke it down like that.

Nothing like a set of “GET OFF MY LAWN” neighbors.
 

shogun32

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at least the Get Off my Lawn didn't resort to cold-blooded murder of a 5yr old.
 

BimmerDriver

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My next door neighbor is like that. We all call her Crazy Liz. She yells at me because the leaves from my trees fall in her yard.

She yells at me because I place leaves in the street for the city to pick up (as I am supposed to do) and they blow in her yard.

She yells at me if I mow the grass and stray 3mm into her yard.

She yells at me because every-so-often the UPS guy leaves my stuff on her stoop.

One year she counted 5483 acorns that had fallen upon her property from my trees. She has no oak trees, so she knows that they were mine. Yes, she counted.

This past Spring I made the effort to ask if she needed anything from the store, since with the Covid thing, senior citizens were trying to stay home. She likes me now.

However, we'll see what happens in the fall, when the leaves start to turn...
 

Sivi70980

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When I was a kid, we would antagonize the "get off my lawn" neighbors. Parents had some apple trees so the baby apples would get thrown at houses all the time. We had a super soaker war going on and one guy came out to yell at us and once his mouth opened, he got a face full of water from one of the kids in our group. We weren't even on his property so seemed fair. It was one of those neighborhoods where it's a bunch of retirees and a few "younger" couples with kids causing havoc. Neighborhoods next to ours were worse though and when the big kids would come through it was usually much more destructive. Oh the good ol days....
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