suicide

[DFB5.0]

I am so sorry you had to go through this.
On July 19th of this year, I tried to overdose. I ended up in the hospital for about a week, and am here today. I have been in therapy for a couple of years, and my therapist would always tell me to call her if I felt like I would try and kill myself. I asked her what she would tell me then, that she hasn't said before? If I make up my mind to do this, what will you tell me? Oh I got the usual "how will your wife or friends feel?". My usual answer was that it won't be my problem then. I won't have to see or be a part of it. If someone reaches that dark of a place, there is little that most people could ever do to pull them out. I have thought about suicide almost every day of my life for 30+ years. To me, the thought is as normal as most people thinking about what they'll have for dinner. You need to understand, this is their problem, not yours. And there is so little most people can do or say. I had dinner with my wife, as I usually did, put a new battery in my Mustang that day, I think I mowed the grass. My wife had zero clue, and she reminds me every day how that scares her now. If someone is really serious about suicide, if they really can't take it anymore, then there is little to nothing anyone can do. I feel awful for the mess I almost left behind, but I was in such a dark place, I can't fault myself for what I did. Most people can't ever understand what it's like to be in that dark place, and I get that, but it's not your fault and you couldn't have changed anything.
On a lighter side, my wife told me that I told the ambulance driver that I could drive there faster than he could. I don't remember that, but I was probably right!
I am trying new therapies, and trying to dedicate myself to new purposes and helping others. I'm trying to change my life, since I got a second chance. If you ever wanna talk......reach out.

Thank you for sharing, very brave and heartwarming to read you are treading a better path.

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[DFB5.0]

You had me worried for you right up to the end.

For anyone in Mhanna5's position realize that each and every day is a second chance. Find those purposes and stay close to others. Realize that "but for the grace of God, there go I". If you are not a believer in God replace Him with whatever you believe in.

I have not been suicidal, but I have been in the ICU intubated and my family being told that I may not make it in 2017 (doctors still unable to explain it to this day). When I regained consciousness, I was not the same man. My wife says that I now have a sense of humor.

Take your cousin's suicide and turn it into a new life for yourself and strive to pay attention to what is happening to people around you. Be there for them. You will be amazed at what you will be able to do to affect positive change in their lives which will affect your life in very positive ways. And be prepared to accept that you will not be successful every time. Forgive yourself and forgive your cousin. That is the beginning of healing. Your cousin's earthly pain is over. Heal yours and love each and every day that you have in this existence like it is your last. Your Family and those around you will pay you back 1000 fold.

My condolences on your cousin's passing. I am sorry that you are going through this, but you will come out the other end a stronger and better man. You are in my prayers. God Bless you and your Family.

A beautiful post and one worth reading twice.

 

[DFB5.0]

I get that people have mental illnesses. However, someone's life can't possibly be that bad that taking their own life is the answer.

You're thinking rationally. Not all people can/do. It's kinda like telling an alcoholic or drug addict to not drink or take drugs. It's just a simple choice. I get where you're coming from though.

Mental illness is a chemical imbalance and generally not something a person can just "decide" to be depressed or not. It ends up being a viscous cycle of thoughts that can't be controlled.

I told this story elsewhere; I knew a person who recently committed suicide. He was always such a pleasant and gracious person, always smiling and always respected in the community. His death really shocked me, we were both born on the same day, although he was one year younger at 34. To think he was bottling that all up, putting on the brave face and suffering in silence is just so sad and so tragic. His family and the community left devastated.

I teeter on the brink of this a lot, it's not nice, nor something I can control. I can see on one side that the pain would be over and lift the burden of my presence from others, on the other side I know it would kill a few people close to me.

Not a nice subject to discuss, but perspective and empathy for all involved is needed.

 

[JohnnyGT]

It’s unloaded and bullets packed away.

I’ve been so down for months and can’t understand why.

Depression is a bitch. Brain chemistry is stupid. Genitive apparently.

Found out 3 of my aunts and uncles have it too.

 

[Mhanna5]

It’s unloaded and bullets packed away.

I’ve been so down for months and can’t understand why.

Depression is a bitch. Brain chemistry is stupid. Genitive apparently.

Found out 3 of my aunts and uncles have it too.

Keep fighting. I was in a dark place for a couple of months before I tried. When it gets that long, it's a real bastard to fight your way out of. I know how hard that is. I have found the meds can only do so much.
For me, whenever people would point out the people who loved and needed me, it only added more pressure and drove me to a deeper place. It's weird, for me, I have found I have to fight for myself. Using my competitive nature to beat this. I also want to leave some sort of legacy. Make a difference for other people. I rescued a dog, am volunteering at a dog shelter, and now a home for abused women and children. Find your thing. Find it, and fight yourself.
Reach out to me anytime. I won't preach or give you the BS you're used to. But hit me up anytime, and you'll see how much other people understand and deal with the same stuff. Never let that bastard inside win.

 

[momalle1]

I am so sorry you had to go through this.
On July 19th of this year, I tried to overdose. I ended up in the hospital for about a week, and am here today. I have been in therapy for a couple of years, and my therapist would always tell me to call her if I felt like I would try and kill myself. I asked her what she would tell me then, that she hasn't said before? If I make up my mind to do this, what will you tell me? Oh I got the usual "how will your wife or friends feel?". My usual answer was that it won't be my problem then. I won't have to see or be a part of it. If someone reaches that dark of a place, there is little that most people could ever do to pull them out. I have thought about suicide almost every day of my life for 30+ years. To me, the thought is as normal as most people thinking about what they'll have for dinner. You need to understand, this is their problem, not yours. And there is so little most people can do or say. I had dinner with my wife, as I usually did, put a new battery in my Mustang that day, I think I mowed the grass. My wife had zero clue, and she reminds me every day how that scares her now. If someone is really serious about suicide, if they really can't take it anymore, then there is little to nothing anyone can do. I feel awful for the mess I almost left behind, but I was in such a dark place, I can't fault myself for what I did. Most people can't ever understand what it's like to be in that dark place, and I get that, but it's not your fault and you couldn't have changed anything.
On a lighter side, my wife told me that I told the ambulance driver that I could drive there faster than he could. I don't remember that, but I was probably right!
I am trying new therapies, and trying to dedicate myself to new purposes and helping others. I'm trying to change my life, since I got a second chance. If you ever wanna talk......reach out.

I've been almost as close as you more than once. No matter what anyone says, you don't understand this until you've been there. My best to you for your continued recovery. Kudos for being brave enough to talk about this openly, you help a lot of people bringing awareness to this issue.

 

[DrZed]

It’s unloaded and bullets packed away.

I’ve been so down for months and can’t understand why.

Depression is a bitch. Brain chemistry is stupid. Genitive apparently.

Found out 3 of my aunts and uncles have it too.

... the fight is real, and it won't be forever.
Be kind to yourself surviver.

 

[DrZed]

.. this message forum just got real.....

 

[Qcman17]

This is a pretty intense discussion but I think it's an important one too. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since my late 20's instigated as a result of a terrible work accident when I was 26. Think PTSD and beyond. I can't say I have ever been seriously suicidal but I understand how insidious depression and anxiety can be. I have been on meds ever since with little to no improvement. I am now 59.........

In 2020 I was suffering badly again and they wanted to give me the same old concoction that didn't work before. I was adamant that I be able to try some other medication and they agreed to let me try one that was known to help with anxiety more which is what I believed was the greater source of my discomfort. Well lo and behold within a few weeks it started to work and shortly thereafter it completely changed the way I was feeling and has continued to ever since.

I am sharing this to say to those who are suffering that if it is a chemistry thing it can be better and may be a matter of finding the right solution. Have a discussion with your doctor and ask if there are other medications that may be worth looking into. It may not help you like it did me but it is certainly worth a shot.

 

[Mhanna5]

Another great cause in all this, is the til Valhalla project . They support military veterans who suffer from PTSD and suicide. While I never served, I do suffer from diagnosed PTSD(s). For the gory and boring details, I am going through a newer therapy called EMDR which takes "stuck" trauma on the emotional side of the brain and helps move it over to the rational side of the brain, so you can process the trauma or traumas better. I just found out about this during my stay at the looney bin. Pretty excited and nervous about it, but mostly hopeful. If someone is suffering from some sort of trauma, this is supposed to be a great way to process it. Let me know if anyone has questions. They've been prepping me for a couple of weeks for this, and tonight is my first real session. So I can speak more intelligently on this later this week, but it's good to get whatever resources are available out there and known.

 

[Mhanna5]

This is a pretty intense discussion but I think it's an important one too. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since my late 20's instigated as a result of a terrible work accident when I was 26. Think PTSD and beyond. I can't say I have ever been seriously suicidal but I understand how insidious depression and anxiety can be. I have been on meds ever since with little to no improvement. I am now 59.........

In 2020 I was suffering badly again and they wanted to give me the same old concoction that didn't work before. I was adamant that I be able to try some other medication and they agreed to let me try one that was known to help with anxiety more so which is what I believed was the greater source of my discomfort. Well lo and behold within a few weeks it started to work and shortly thereafter it completely changed the way I was feeling and has continued to ever since.

I am sharing this to say to those who are suffering that if it is a chemistry thing it can be better and may be a matter of finding the right solution. Have a discussion with your doctor and ask if there are other medications that may be worth looking into. It may not help you like it did me but it is certainly worth a shot.

Yeah, medication can do wonders, and also be a nightmare. I'm on a new concoction and am having the worst side effects. It's all about finding the right ones though. Like you said "chemistry".

It's funny, my generation, all I heard was "we need to have difficult conversations", and today people get flamed for just bringing up anything controversial or another way of thinking. I think this is great to be having these open conversations and really getting to know others and the struggles they face as well. I like getting that shit out in the open, and facing it head on. I think when you hide from these and other controversial discussions, you just end up giving it more power. Get it out there and take away it's power, is how I feel.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

I get that people have mental illnesses. However, someone's life can't possibly be that bad that taking their own life is the answer.

FWIW:

EVERY person acts on their beliefs. EVERY person believes things that are not true. One of those can be that life is intolerable.

 

[JohnnyGT]

I accidentally deleted a couple replies without noticing. Oh well.

I keep a close group of friends and family to keep me in check. They’re not perfect either, no one is. Still tho having peeps that care about you: and check you. Are key IMO.

 

[tdstuart]

I get that people have mental illnesses. However, someone's life can't possibly be that bad that taking their own life is the answer.

Don't know if you have ever been in the position, but for perspective; you know your life isn't the worst, and you know it will affect those that care about you, but for someone with severe depression, every day feels like hell, you don't enjoy anything. I went through serious depression throughout my middle school years. If you have never had depression it is hard to understand. You can be "happy" but in reality, nothing feels good, at the end of the day you have nothing but bad thoughts, you look down on everything. You end up tricking yourself that you are a waste of life, that you will never be happy, and that you should end it to stop the pain.

I hope that you haven't and never will experience depression. But I hope you understand that people with severe depression aren't thinking rationally, life to them feels like torture. Rationally, of course, most people with depression have decent lives, most people have loved ones who care about them, and most people aren't living lives so bad it's worth ending, but the people trick themselves into believing that the only way to stop their sadness it to take their life.

Luckily it's all about mindset and people can change, I was lucky enough to start enjoying life towards the end of middle school.

 

[Shifting_Gears]

Man, reading this was heavy and what’s really eye opening is how many members on here have dealt with, or considered suicide. Think about that for a second. We are a small percentage of a small group of automotive enthusiasts and we have multiple people in one thread sharing their experiences with the topic.

Dirtwarrior, I am sorry for your loss. Time can heal a lot and as others have said, you can’t take the burden. Your mind will come up with endless scenarios of what you could’ve recognized, how you could’ve intervened and how you could’ve saved someone.

To all of you that have walked that line, attempted to consider ending it all, stay strong. We have one life and we all have the power to change our circumstances and get ourselves on a new path. It’s not easy, but there is help. There are people that have been in your shoes and came out on the other side victorious and realize what they would have been missing had they not fought to overcome being in a dark place.

I have known a few people that have taken their own lives and it shatters those around them. One was a close friend of my best friends dad. He was in his 40’s and had substance abuse issues and hung himself in the shower.

Another person was a coworker’s brother who was autistic. He shot himself in a field across from their neighborhood. My coworker (also a friend) really struggled with that. I know a piece of him died that day too. He grew up to be successful and is a teacher of younger kids and I know he’s doing that so he can hopefully help other kids who need a positive, strong person to be in their lives.

The hardest instance for me was a complete stranger. Warning - this is a bit graphic. I was on a bike ride on a greenway that I have ridden a million times. It’s a nice 5+ mile waterside ride that runs behind neighborhood after neighborhood.

One day, I was riding and saw a group of people (4-5 people) stopped behind a house. One was on the phone, a couple looked in shock and one was crying. I couldn’t see anything riding up to that spot due to the trees and bushes next to that house, which I was passing.

When I got closer, the guy on the phone asked me if I new the address of the houses we were behind. I said no, and as I turned to look at him and answer, I said why he was asking. A woman (maybe late 20’s early 30’s) was hanging from a tree limb in the back yard. The kids playset table she stood on and kicked from under herself was toppled over a couple of feet away from her. Her neck and head was at an angle you see the undead appearing like in horror movies.

I remember everything around me blacking out and almost throwing up. I ran to jump the fence to try to get her down in case she was still alive or could be resuscitated. Someone yelled at me to stop and said she had been there long enough to stop twitching. I remember getting mad and wondering why no one tried to help save her. I was mad at this woman for publicly hanging her self for everyone to see. I wondered if she thought someone would stop her.

There were other people coming down the greenway and I did my best to stop them before they came into view. Some were children or young adults. Some people didn’t listen and had to witness the situation.

There were neighbors screaming and crying in the street in front of the house. When the police/EMS showed up, they went about things so methodically it was like solving a math problem. There was no emotion, no trying to save her. I eventually left and went on my ride feeling numb and trying to u understand why.

I couldn’t sleep for a few days and kept having nightmares periodically for the next couple of weeks about that situation. I kept asking myself why I didn’t jump the fence and at least try to help, what if I had left just a few minutes sooner, could I have stopped her? Did she have kids? If so, what happens to them, would they remember their mom hanging from a tree as their last memory of her? Did she do this because of COVID or losing someone because of it (it was in the peak of the pandemic)? Why did she do it in such a public area? Did she have no one to talk to before deciding to end her life? Did no one see any signs? These questions ate at me and still periodically comes back around.

I would purposely bypass that section of the greenway for months. I eventually started riding it again, but couldn’t bring myself to look at that yard, at that tree, at the limb until one day, I did. I faced it and made it a lesson and not a burden. A means to never joke about suicide, to keep an eye out on those I love, to understand that people don’t always outwardly hurt and you may not ever know someone is suffering and considering those actions.

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