Boomer Humor!

[Bikeman315]

And for you youngin's out there remember you will be there sooner than you think!

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath:

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

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[samd1351]

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

That was damned funny!

 

[Shifting_Gears]

Haha, those are great.

 

[Tin O' Spam]

A few from my Dad......



After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to meet up with some friends

and have some hot Buffalo wings and iced tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which of the gorgeous waitresses

I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

My answer was,

"The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, and I'm tired.

*********************************************

As we silver surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little sh@thead......

*********************************************

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time ....... like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.


She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


I said, "Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do, I signed up for five jumps a week."The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[lacanteen]

After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job a s a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence. The rest of the year went smoothly.

***********************************************************
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to it".

***********************************************************

On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman. "The trouble with you Brit's is that you're stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother".

************************************************************

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home. As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket. "Tennis ball" the man said. "Oh, that must be painful, she replied". "I had tennis elbow once!"

***********************************************************

A woman takes her miniature Schnauzer puppy to the vet, because she's concerned about its hearing. The vet checks it out and tells her that the puppy's hearing is fine, it just has an excess amount of fur in its ears. He tells her to stop at the pharmacy and get some hair remover and once a month, put a small amount of remover on a cotton swab, dab it on its ear and wipe the excess hair away.

On the way home, she stops at the pharmacy and finds some hair remover. She takes it to the pharmacy counter to check out and the pharmacist tells her "if you use this on your legs, don't wear stockings for a week". She tells him "it's not for my legs". The pharmacist reply's "then if you use it on your underarms, wear sleeveless blouses for a week" She reply's "it's not for my underarms, it's for my Schnauzer ". "oh, ok" he reply's " in that case, I recommend you don't ride your bike for a week".

 

[Tin O' Spam]

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On April 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn everyone you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seems to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S: Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.

 

[lacanteen]

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" "Huggies" and "Pampers" while undergarments for old people are called "Depends". Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will! Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

********************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent". "Thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay".

*******************************

It is the last day of school today and a teacher asks the children in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest call girl, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, 'And how about you, Sarah?'

'I wanna be Larry's call girl.' she calmly says.

*******************************

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish" said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways" said the nun.

There must be something you would have of me" said God. "Well, there is one thing" she said. "Just name it..." said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop".

"Consider it done" said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for YOU?"

There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time" said the nun.

"Name it. Please" said God. "It's the M&M's" said the nun "They're so hard to peel".

 

[lacanteen]

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY AFTER A DRINK OR TWO:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Personify

WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY AFTER A DRINK OR TWO:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Colloquialism

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY AFTER A DRINK OR TWO:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
8. No, you are too young and beautiful to sit on my face.
9. A b@#w job? No thanks I already have a job.

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